Live Like Your Husband Has Amnesia

Weird title, huh?

So, a few days I ago I was in the library looking for some books to read and I came across some by Sophie Kinsella. She's the one who wrote Confessions of a Shopaholic. I'd never read the book, but loved the movie, so I checked out the two books that the library had... The Undomestic Goddess and Remember Me?. I finished them each in one day. They are THAT good.

Am so loving her at the moment. She's my new favorite author. Good, fun, pure, chick-lit. Love it.

Anyway, so last night I finished Remember Me? which is about a lady who's in an accident and can't remember anything from the last three years... including the fact that she's got a gorgeous husband. After I read it, it made me think what would happen if my husband got amnesia, woke up and found me standing over his bed saying that I was his wife.

I mean, I would be a stranger to him, right? He'd have no idea that we've shared the past 15 1/2 years together. He'd have to fall in love with me all over again. How I am now... not how I was when he fell in love with me when I was 20.

And the only thing that I could think of was, "Oh crap. He would so walk away." I mean, really. I am nothing like the naive young girl he fell in love with. How would it go?......

Hey, honey! It's me, Leslie. Your wife.

You're my wife?

Yeah, sweetie. We've been together for nearly 16 years and married for 13 1/2.

Really? Oh, okay. Well, tell me about us. How did we fall in love?

Well, we met in England. We lived next to each other in the dorms. Look! Here's a picture. (Reach into my bag and pull out a photo album). Look, that's us when we started dating.

(Touching the picture). Wow, you look so different. Your hair's red. (Smiles) You look so alive. And you're.... (eyebrows furrowing)...

Um, well, I was a bit skinnier, then. We have three kids, you know.

Really?

Yeah, they're great! We decided to adopt and voila!

Adopt, I thought maybe you'd given birth... you know (looking at my stomach).

Oh, well, you know. That's what you get when you eat too many fish fingers (laughing nervously).

We eat fish fingers?

Yeah, well, you know, um, we didn't always. (Start to smile). Before we had kids, we went out to eat all the time. We would always eat at this cool Indian restaurant in Dallas... Hey, I'm going to India in January!

(Face brightens) Really? I would love to go to India. When do we leave?

Oh, um, it's actually just me. You're staying with the kids.

What do you mean?

Well, we take separate vacations. It's hard to find a sitter, you know. And, plus, Noah - that's our son - doesn't do well away from home... and, uh...

So, we're married, but we take separate vacations?

It's not as bad as it sounds. Really. You go to England once a year. And you just got back from Yosemite last month.

And you stayed home?

Well, yeah, I mean, we have the kids...

O-kay. So we take separate vacations and we don't go out to eat anymore.

(Looking down. Silence). Um, hey, let's look at some other pictures. Here's one. Look, we're at Glastonbury Festival. Man, we had so much fun.

I wish I could, remember, Leslie. I really do. What's the last concert we went to? Maybe that'll jog my memory.

Oh, well, um, let me think... you mean the last one we went to together? Oh, uh, I think we went to see Delirious in 2002. And before that... um, I can't remember. We haven't really been out since Noah came.

When was that?

7 years ago.

We haven't been out in 7 years??!!

Well, no, I mean, we had a date night last Thanksgiving and three years before that we saw a movie and we went to England for our 10th anniversary.

So, you're telling me that we have separate vacations and we've had one date night in the last three years?

Um, yeah.

What about sex? Surely, I mean, come on....

Oh, sex? Uh, you do remember that we've been together nearly 16 years right?

No. I have amnesia, remember?

Oh, yeah. Oh YEAH! Oh, well, um, yeah, we have sex all the time. All. The. Time. It's awesome. I totally rock your world.

Really! Great. Well let's have it right now. Surely that'll make me remember.

Now? Like, right now? Oh, er, um, huh, well... I have a headache.

(Suspicious). Really? Do you get them a lot?

Um, well, I'm under a lot of stress. You can never plan for a migraine, you know.

Uh-huh, yeah. I believe you.

Plus, I need a shower.

When's the last time you had a shower?

Ummm... five days ago?

Five days ago??!!

Hey, I'm a busy woman!

A stinky woman (he mutters underneath his breath).

Hey, I heard that! (Pause). So, um, here's some more pictures.

(Looking at the photos). You just look so different in these photos.

Well, you know, we were first married and all. (Catch a glimpse of myself in the hospital mirror and my eyes widen at the sight of all the gray wiry hairs sprouting out the top of my head.)

But your eyes look different.

Oh, yeah. I used to pluck. Hurts like the dickens. I don't pluck anymore. (Look in the mirror again. Good grief! Are those fuzzy caterpillars stuck to my eyebrows???)

So, do we like the same things? Watch the same movies? Watch the same shows?

Well, you love PBS. You're quite addicted to some British show called MI-5.

Do we watch it together?

Well, uh, I usually read a book.

I see. You're trying to tell me that you're my wife, but we take separate vacations, never go out, have had one date night in three years, you've stopped taking care of yourself, we don't like the same things, and you, apparently, suffer from headaches... which I imagine, conveniently come on at bedtime. Is that right?

Well, it sounds a lot worse than it is.

It sounds awful! You're a liar. You're an imposter. You're not my wife. I would never stay in a relationship like that. Get out! Get out! Nurse! Nurse!....

Aaaaargh! Can you see what I mean? How did this happen? How did two young people who were so madly in love with each other become so complacent?

Don't get me wrong. My husband and I love each other. We really adore each other. He is my best friend. My favorite person in the world. We can be in the same room doing our own thing, but I feel better just knowing that he's in the room. We complete each other. We really do.

But looking at all the above. What the heck happened?

I mean, life happened. And kids happened. And kids with special needs happened. And we wouldn't change it. But it does change things. It's harder to find a sitter. You can't just run away to New York for the weekend. Heck, we can't run out to dinner and a movie. I mean, not just the sitter, but do you know how much that costs?? Bills happened. Credit cards happened. Becoming a stay-at-home-mom happened. Suddenly 24 hours in a day is no longer enough. We need more hours to get it all done.

I don't mind Sim going to England or going camping. I encourage it. And he's so excited about me going to India. We love to see each other happy. But how far can complacency get you?

What makes a marriage fall apart? We're doing great. We really are. But 10 more years of living like this? 20 more years? Will we feel the same? Will we be one of those couples who's married for 35 years and then splits up?

I don't want that. He doesn't want that. Neither of us wants that.

But what would I do if Sim suffered amnesia and had to fall in love with me all over again? Would he? I'm not the girl he fell in love with... the young, innocent, optimistic, life is full of rainbows and unicorns girl.

So, last night, we had a long talk. And we agreed that we have to make time for each other. The best thing we can give the kids (and ourselves) is the gift of having two parents who love each other. We rarely, if ever, fight. But do we show each other how much we love each other? Or have we taken it for granted that we'll always be there?

That's a dangerous game to play. And we don't want to play it. We've made a decision to live as if the other has amnesia... and fall in love all over again.

Well, we've never fallen out of love. I guess, I could say... we've decided to remind each other of why we fell in love in the first place. And to keep reminding each other... again and again and again.

So, I encourage you to take a moment and ask yourself what would happen if your spouse or significant other had amnesia and woke up not remembering you. Would he or she fall in love with you again?

Go home and start reminding each other now. Don't wait until it's too late. Don't wait until complacency gets the best of you.

It's the best gift you can give yourself.

Congratulations to the Raffle Winners!

Well, we had our bake sale and raffle on Saturday. We didn't make a lot on the bake sale, but coupled with the raffle tickets that we've been selling for the last few weeks, we made about $2150!

THANK YOU!!

We held our drawing at 2:00pm and all winners have already been notified.

1st prize: Emmitt Smith Football went to Julie H.

2nd prize: iPod Touch went to Steve K.

3rd prize: Wii went to Amy B.

I really, really wish that everyone could have won. It broke my heart that we had to stop drawing names after three... but I have to remember that we raised a lot of money for Sarah's kids and that was the purpose of the raffle.

We're talking with Sarah about her "wish list" for the kids and I believe the money raised will go a long way to purchasing items off the list. I'll take pictures of all the things we're bringing and post them here closer to to time to leave.

And, in case you haven't checked out Sarah's blog, she's not going to be receiving the 10 new kids that she had asked for.... she's going to be receiving 24!!

This money will be a huge blessing for her and the kids at SCH. Thanks again to everyone who donated! You really are making a difference!

We've Nearly Met Our Goal!

Tomorrow's our big bake sale and raffle for Sarah's Covenant Homes. If you missed the original post, you can find it HERE. Our goal was to raise $1500 for Sarah's kids and so far we've raised $1315!!

$380 of that was through online donations and $935 was raised locally or through generous bloggers who sent money through the mail. Thank you so much!!

We are $185 short of our goal. If anyone would like to buy a ticket (s) online, you would need to do so by 7:30 CST tomorrow MORNING. We'll be leaving shortly after that to set up the bake sale, so all online tickets need to be purchased soon.

We'll be holding the drawing at 2:00pm tomorrow afternoon at a local grocery store and all winners will be notified by 5:00pm CST. I'll also announce first names and locations on my blog.

Thanks again to everyone who has helped make this fundraiser a success. I cannot begin to express how in awe I am of everyone who has stepped up to help. There have been so many heartwarming donations that just make me want to cry thinking about them, but I don't know if I have permission to share them on the blog... but, just know, that I've found that it's people who need the money the most that give it so freely. I have never in my life seen so many generous, selfless donations.

I hope you all know that you are making a major contribution towards changing someone's life. I'm not going to forget this. I'm going to let you know exactly what we get with this money - YOUR money. And I'll keep you informed and we'll take plenty of pictures.... and, well, I don't know. I just want you all to feel a part of it - because this could not have happened - would not
have happened with YOU.

So thank you all so much - and here's hoping we meet our goal!

Just to refresh your memory:

Tickets are $5 each or 5 for $20.

1st prize: Wilson NFL game ball autographed by Emmitt Smith
2nd prize: iPod Touch 16gb
3rd prize: Nintendo Wii

Soooo.... who's feeling lucky?

My Mega Update Post

Wow, what's up with me and the absentee blogging, huh? Maybe I'm just in a blogging funk or something, but I just haven't felt like getting on here lately. Nothing's wrong - nothing like that - but I do get this way from time to time and I guess this is one of those times. Of course, this probably means that I'll be blogging like a mad fiend for the next week or so... that's kind of my pattern. :-)

So now, instead of writing short little posts about this or that, I have to cram everything into a very lengthy, very wordy, possibly sleep-inducing post.

Let's see. What's been going on?

Well, RAD behaviors are on the rise in our little household. If I'm gone from blogging for awhile, you can generally assume that it's something behavior related.

Nandi received botox injections a week ago and I swear her RAD behaviors have gone through the roof. Things had gotten 90% better over the last month. 90%!! She was such a joy to be around... it was like the spring and the summer were some horrible nightmare that I actually got to wake up from...but then we went and let her have botox on her leg and BAM! right back to where we were last Spring.... and just let me say that it was the day after her botox injections at the end of February when her behavior took a nose dive.

I had mentioned it over the summer to her neurologist but he kind of dismissed it saying that he's never heard of botox injections causing a personality change. But the day after she got them last Thursday, she tried to choke me, kicked Noah in the head, and her speech started slurring. Lots and lot of baby talk. "Nandi, would you like a snack?" "Gaa! Gaa! Gaa gaaa ga!"

And her poor teacher! She's begging us not to let Nandi get botox again. She remembers the instant behavior changes in the classroom after February and now she looks like death warmed over every time she brings Nandi to the van when school's over. I swear I see relief in her eyes as we pull away at the end of each day.

So that's what's going on with Nandi.

With Eli, he's working us over pretty good. He's such a great, sweet kid. A heart of gold. But boy does he try to manipulate his momma. And he and Nandi are like oil and water. Thank goodness all our neighbors are elderly and hard of hearing b/c if we lived in the suburbs, I'm sure the cops would've been called out to our house about 79 times already. They are 98% voicebox, I swear they are. It's insane.

Right now, we've decided to keep Eli in public school. For my sanity mostly. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. Okay, I do admit that I mourn not being able to homeschool. I look at these homeschooling families and read all these homeschooling blogs and I want that - so badly. I want our kids to sit around the table as a family with each child doing their school work and me reading stories outloud to them as they drink hot chocolate. I dream of fieldtrips and making lapbooks and doing science experiments in the backyard. But it's just not going to happen. Sometimes it makes me feel like a failure - makes me feel that we're just pretty dysfunctional, really. But Sim keeps reminding me that we're dealing with a lot of issues - more than most families.

So I'm slowly coming to grips with the fact that we're a different kind of normal. And I have to learn to build a life around that.

By the way, it seems that Eli does really well once he's IN school. He loves it. But when he's home he just complains all the time. And not lightly. Like, REALLY complains. All. The. Time. But only with me. Never with Sim. Figures. Hmmph!

His teachers are still having to drag him out of the van each morning - bribing him with promises of being class leader that day or getting a treat out of the treat jar. Yesterday, one of the teachers finally saw the smirk he turned and gave me as he got out of the car with 3 teachers surrounding him. Attention seeker. You think? I told him yesterday after school that the gig is up. That the teacher saw his smirk and he looked absolutely crestfallen.

He also looked like the cat who swallowed the canary. So I didn't feel too guilty about bursting his bubble.

Honestly, I have high expectations that he's going to be an Oscar winning actor one day, make loads of money, and buy me a motorhome with a year's worth of gas.

It's a simple dream, really. One that I desperately cling onto.

Oh, by the way. We've started giving him two sprays of Bach's Rescue Remedy Sleep Aid before he goes to bed. The last two nights he hasn't woken up with night terrors or anxiety - at all! I highly recommend the stuff. We bought it at Whole Foods.

That brings us to Noah. I guess one of the reasons I haven't been blogging - besides breaking up constant fights of "I had it first! No, I did!" is that I'm trying to spend as much time as I can with Noah. I have 2 hours with him all alone each morning before we leave to pick up Nandi from Pre-K, so I just try to cram in as much time as possible with him. And, generally, when the kids are watching cartoons after school (Yep, I let my kids watch cartoons. Oh, the shame!) I hang out with Noah in his room and try to understand a bit of his world.

Last night, I spent 30 minutes just imitating him spinning wheels on his car. He would spin and spin the wheels and then touch his hand or his foot or his tongue to the wheel until it stopped. At one point, I asked him if I could try and I stuck my tongue out and he looked at me and pushed the wheel towards me just a little bit.

I know it seems like nothing, but any parent of a child who has severe autism knows that that's a huge breakthrough. I mean, Noah is great and cuddly and giggly and all, but he generally likes to be left alone and all past tries of interacting with him in his room ended up with him turning his back to me. So this is really good.

You know how on Noah's birthday I confessed that God had told me that he'd talk one day? Well, I didn't tell the whole story. I asked God how. What do I need to do? Because I'm one of those moms that will try anything. And we have. We've tried everything. We've been to every doctor. Every therapist. I'm great at scouting out new therapies for Noah. But God told me - very clearly - that the only thing I needed to do was to spend time with him. Spend time with Noah. That was all.

And you know what? That's the one thing that is the hardest thing in the world for me to do. Because it's time consuming. And there's no feedback. No interaction. No, "Wow Mom, you're awesome. I love spending time with you!" It's constant rejection. Constant. So all this time, all these years, I've been seeking out therapists and doctors and anyone or anything that could help Noah get better - and it all comes down to just spending time with him.

So that's what I'm doing. You'd think after 7 years of doing this that I'd be in a better place of healing and understanding. But it's constantly evolving. You can't put a timeline on grief. You just can't. And each day I get a little closer to seeing the big picture and God's plan for Noah's life.

That's not to say that I don't still seek out therapies and such. But all the therapies we're doing are things I can do myself with Noah at home. That I can do while spending time with him.

So there you go.

All the reasons why I haven't been blogging. Oh. And I've rediscovered the joy of reading again. I swear my English degrees ruined reading for me. For years I couldn't pick up a book without doing an internal lit crit analysis of it. And I don't count therapy books and autism books and RAD books as light, fun chick lit, either. But recently, I've started reading again. And I love it. My mom introduced me to Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series and I read all 19 books (the 15 numbered and the 4 in betweens) in 6 weeks. (I'm a super fast reader.) A few days ago, I picked up an Emily Giffin book at our local used bookstore and now I'm hooked on her books. I have to sit in the car rider lane at Eli's school for 45 minutes each day. (Don't get me started on that rant and rave!). But Nandi falls asleep and Noah plays with his cars, so it gives me 45 minutes to read each day. I only have two Emily Giffin books left and then I'm out of books. Suggestions, please! Need suggestions!

Ahh, wow. I totally unloaded a weeks worth of stuff in one blog post. Are you exhausted? I feel, surprisingly, refreshed. Blogging therapy. Cheaper than seeing a psych and less fattening than chocolate. Which by the way, I have totally and utterly given up. My new vice is olives. Jalapeno stuffed olives. Garlic stuffed olives. Almond stuffed olives. Olives, olives, olives. It doesn't quite have the same ring as, "I locked my self in the bathroom with a pint of Ben & Jerry's!", but it'll do. :-)

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Who's Feeling Lucky?

So, as most of you know, India is a country that is near and dear to my heart. In January, I'll be travelling with a group to Andhra Pradesh to volunteer at Sarah's Covenant Homes. If you haven't met Sarah, then you should! She is one of the most amazing, dynamic, selfless, funny, and giving people I've ever come across. Not only does she have a heart for India, but she has a heart for abandoned children who have special needs.

Currently, Sarah has 44 children and she's taking in 10 new children next week. Can you imagine the cost of parenting 54 kids?? We're trying to raise money to help make things a bit easier on Sarah and her kids.

SCH has only been up and running for about 2 years now. So they're still needing lots of stuff: wheelchairs, strollers, walkers, educational toys, clothes, and school supplies. 11 of us will be travelling to Sarah's in January and we can take 2 suitcases each. Let's fill those babies up!

To help raise money to buy supplies for Sarah's Covenant Homes, we're holding a bake sale and raffle on Saturday, November 14 at a local grocery store. You do not have to be present to win. Which means YOU can buy a ticket and help bring supplies to Sarah and her 54 amazing kids.

Tickets are $5 each or 5 for $20. If you make a ticket donation (at the ChipIn button on the top right of this blog), we'll enter your name into a drawing where you'll have the chance to win one of the following prizes:

1st Prize: New Wilson NFL Game Ball Autographed by Emmitt Smith (retail value: $350)

2nd Prize: iPod Touch 16 gb Second Generation (retail value: $229)

3rd Prize: Nintendo Wii (retail value: $199.99)

The drawing will be held at 2:00pm on November 14th and all winners will be notified via phone or email by 5:00pm that evening. Prizes will be delivered or mailed out on Monday, November 16.

We hope you'll help us reach our goal of raising $1500 for Sarah's Covenant Homes. To learn more about Sarah, please visit her BLOG. You can also read the profiles of all her kids and learn about sponsorship opportunities by clicking HERE. I'm also going to leave you with a video that we made to help spread awareness of SCH and the wonderful kids that have touched our lives. Enjoy!

Ever Have One of Those Weeks???

Well, it's been a truly frustrating week. One of my kids has a birthday today and the week leading up to it has been awful. We really turned a corner in the last few months, but this week... whoa, did we slide back down the hill. Good grief. There's been peeing in the bed for the last 4 days and today, birthday day, was greeted with pee soaked sheets and two "accidentally" turned over bowls of cereal at the breakfast table.

Happy Birthday!

Actually, this is not the birthday post. I'll do a proper one later. Things really had been going great. About 90% better and we were so proud of our little RADling. It's just amazing how things like birthday and holidays can cause regression.

In other news from the week of H-E-double hockey sticks, we pulled Eli out of school and then stuck his little bottom right back in two days later. That deserves an entire blog post dedicated to just that. Someday. What I can say is that I've been played. Played hard. It's a scary thing to realize that you live with a master manipulater. He's a sweet, wonderful little boy, but has some definite "mom" issues.

He seriously DOES have some issues that warrant him having 1:1 educational instruction. But at this point in time, I just can't do it. It was an awful week and I'll blog about it later.

And the worst part of the week was that I was having such a terrible week PLUS PMS'ing and couldn't turn to my usual comfort foods: chocolate, coffee, anything dripping with butter and cream, and my mom's chicken and dumplings. Okay, I did have a bowl or two or three of my mom's chicken and dumplings but ended up paying for it for 3 days.

Just. Not. Worth. It.

I do feel better eating cleaner and have lost 13 pounds, but good grief... trying to get through PMS week without chocolate?? That's insane.

I'm living on the edge, ladies and gentleman. Lock up your chocolate bars. I can't be held responsible for what might happen if you eat a Reese's in front of me.

Family Needed

I have had the great pleasure of meeting so many fabulous people through the blogging world. It's amazing how different circumstances - circumstances that can bring you to your knees - can connect you with people who care - and who understand exactly what you're going through. Mainly because they've gone through it themselves.

Many, many months ago I was able to connect with Corey. She's beautiful and funny. She's an adoptive mom, too. And a RAD mom, too.

She and her family have had to make the most agonizing decision to disrupt the adoption of their 8 year old son. I hate to use the word disrupt because it makes it sound like they're giving up or being really casual about it... like taking a puppy back to the shelter if it gives you too much trouble.

That is NOT the case. Sometimes you just can't know what it's like unless you've walked in someone else's shoes. And, sometimes, you have to make decisions that just plainly make you want to die. The decisions hurt THAT much. And sometimes you just wish that you could trade places with your child... that all the trauma, and abuse... all the physical and sexual abuse.. sometimes you wish you could just absorb it all from your child so that they could be healthy again. Because you love them THAT much and it kills you that they're going through all this.

And sometimes you have to look at the children in your home. The other brothers and the sisters... and say, "I will not let you get hurt again." You look at your little girls and you wrap them in your arms and you beg and plead with God to make everything better. And so you try everything that you possibly can to help your child, but you know that if he come's back home that your other children will be hurt again.

So, because you love him and you want the very best for him, you make the agonizing decision of finding a new family for him. Because you know that he CAN heal, but not in your family. Not with so many young ones around.

I really hope that you'll visit Corey's blog. Maybe you know of someone who is looking to adopt. Maybe you know of someone who has experience in this area. Maybe YOU'RE the family that she's looking for.

But also, please visit her blog and lift Corey and her family up in prayer. She is in deep, deep pain. We need to pray that not only does God heal her son, but that He heals Corey's pain and the grief and the guilt that she's feeling. Please let her know how much she is loved.

http://watchingthewaters.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/family-needed/

Thanks.